The LOA Torah (old testament)

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by mattvision09, Sep 26, 2014.

  1. mattvision09
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    Book of Spawning
    In the beginning, Cobi created Nexus, and LOA. 1:1
    On the first day, Cobi said "Let there be spawn" and there was spawn. 1:2
    On the second day, Cobi created the seed, and environment. 1:3
    On the third day, Cobi created the server's MOTD. 1:4
    On the fourth day, Cobi procrastinated. 1:5
    On the fifth day, Cobi procrastinated further. 1:6
    On the sixth day, Cobi hosted the server on his laptop. 1:7
    On the seventh day, Cobi rested. 1:8

    Cobi spawned in the first man-child on LOA, his name was Grimzzz. He came from the dirt, and in Hebrew, Grimzzz means 'Dirt bag'. 2:1
    Cobi told Grimzzz he can derp around in spawn all he wants, as long as he doesn't break the information board of knowledge, for it is sacred. 2:2
    While Grimzzz was slumbering, Cobi spawned in the first woman trapped in a man's body, czarnuchh. 2:3
    The ex-angel crispy1989 was feeling like a troll that day, so he deceived czarnuchh, telling him that breaking the information board would be funny. They broke the info board, and Cobi was angered. 2:4
    Cobi made the spawn point out of keep blocks, so they could no longer break anything, and they would be forced to leave to survive. 2:5

    Grimzzz and czarnuchh bore a son, his name was 69_Charger. They bore another son, and his name was mosthonestabe. 3:1
    Charger and abe were both challenged by Cobi to give him shit, as it was New Years eve, and Cobi was giving out VIP to the winner. Charger wasn't able to offer Cobi anything impressive, so he got mad and killed abe.
    Cobi asked Charger "Have thou rekt thy bro abe?" 3:2
    And Charger lied, and said "uhhhh, nop." 3:3
    Cobi was infuriated, and said "But thy bro abe sits next to me in Nexus, as he hath rage quitten. Thou hast imposed pwnage on they bro, mosthonestabe!" 3:4
    Cobi killed Charger, and banned him to the fiery pit of LOE where Crispy1989 lies, for probably haxoring. 3:5

    The book of Swagon
    Grimzzz and czar had a lot of buttsex, and bore many children who didn't kill each other for no reason. Generation upon generation of people came out of pixelated intercourse, until one man named Dragonflames1994 came along. 1:1
    While most users thought there were many admins, and sucked their dicks, Dragonflames1994 thought there was only one admin. 1:2
    The angel clueless222 came down from Nexus to tell Dragonflames1994 that his idea was true, and that he must spread the message of the admin Cobi. 1:3
    As a reward for discovering the great truth, Cobi gave them a tpa out to the millions. The land out there is the promised land, and it belongs to the chosen people of LOA; Dragonflames1994 and all his decedents. 1:4

    The book of Swifty
    Thousands of years later, Cobi realized he had a problem. Many people noticed random tunnels zigzagging all over at level 11, and underground bases were being mined into straight through. The server was full of haxors, and there were only one person who didn't hack. 1:1
    His name was daswiftguy. Cobi told daswiftguy to spend a ton of money advertising the server, and he would spend the next 40 days and 40 nights programming anti-hack plugins. 1:2
    He would flood the server with these plugins, and auto-jail everyone on LOA, sending them to the pits of LOE. Cobi wiped out all life on LOA, and daswiftguy brought new people in after the plugins were established, by advertising the server on YouTube. 1:3
    Cobi made a statue at spawn made of hacked diamonds, to remind all the players that Cobi will never do that again. 1:4

    The book of OPsodus.
    For some reason, Cobi's chosen people, the decedents of Dragonflames1994, ended up in Justin526's kingdom. 1:1
    They were all enslaved. So Cobi disguised himself as a primed TNT, so Elgenzay would try drowning it to help, and get his attention. 1:2
    Cobi told him to go to Justin526's kingdom, and lead the chosen people out of it, and to freedom. 1:3
    When Elgenzay reached it, he told Justin526 to let his people go, but Justin526 refused. 1:4
    So, Cobi unleashed a plague unto his kingdom, by allowing crispy to troll the fuck out of it. 1:5
    There was a giant ball of TNT that blew up above the city, and scared the fuck out of everyone. 1:6
    Then a gang of murderers came, and killed every first-born son of the kingdom. 1:7
    Elgenzay and the chosen people escaped, and Elgenzay World Edited an ocean dry, so they could cross it. 1:8
    Justin526 and his people went after them, but the world regenerated behind them, and they couldn't make it far enough. 1:9
    On their way back to the promised land, Elgenzay was given 10 laws that all must live by, in the name of Cobi. Elgenzay showed these laws unto the people. 1:10

    1. I am the owner, thy admin. 1:11
    2. Thou shalt have no other admins before me. 1:12
    3. Thou shalt not use the name of Cobi in vain. 1:13
    4. Thou shalt not use name i-C.a.r.t.e.r at all. 1:14
    5. Remember the Taco day, to keep it delicious. 1:15
    6. Honor thou who hast invited you, by running /invitedby 1:16
    7. Thou shalt not hack. 1:17
    8. Thou shalt no spam. 1:18
    9. Thou shalt not TPA spam. 1:19
    10. Thou shalt not advertise. 1:20

    The book of Salto
    Nubia and Gomorrah were two cities full of people having buttsex. 1:1
    Cobi didn't like it, so he hacked into Snapplecap's account, and made him blow up Nubia. 1:2
    Some people tried to watch it happen, and they were given endless blindness defects. Not much more to tell there. 1:3

    End of first testament.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2014
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  2. JacobiCarter
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    [​IMG]
    Wat.
     
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  3. 1ntens1ty
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    Fucking hilarious!

    Even though I was not mentioned once... anywhere... and... well, I would say it is all wrong, but then I would have to offer corrections, and I am too lazy (boo).
     
  4. smalltanuki
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    Oh god xD what about the New Testament?
     
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  5. _AEon
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    "And SnoFox transformed water into wine"
     
  6. smalltanuki
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    Shh this ain't the new testament
     
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  7. _AEon
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    In the sixth month clueless222 was sent from Cobi to a city of Darknobia named <enter DKM village name here>, to a virgin betrothed to a man whose name was <playername>, of the house of mattvision09. And the virgin's name was Matt6666. And he came to her and said, “Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!” But she was greatly troubled at the saying, and tried to discern what sort of greeting this might be.
     
  8. mattvision09
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    Next up is the new testament, and the Koran.

    Youye died for your sins.
     
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  9. smalltanuki
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    No, Youye died because of my sins. SnoFox died for my sins.
     
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  10. Dragonflames1994
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    Thou hath written an admirable history for our modest clan of misfits. Thou shall receive great honor in the form of a dio mat, the sacred jewels of our people.
     
  11. smalltanuki
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    And so the LOA Dora ends here, and a new beginning starts. In which I probably become satan.
     
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  12. brasil2908
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    This is based on that book you have in LOA, isn't it.
     
  13. mattvision09
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    Added "books" and "verses". Makes it easier to yell at people.
     
  14. smalltanuki
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    How is it the book of Salto if my name is only mentioned in the title?
     
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  15. mattvision09
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    Because Salto was the man who created the city. If you want me to go more in depth and talk about how you were behind all the buttsex and eventual butthurt, by all means.
     
  16. smalltanuki
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    I didn't create Nubia, Dulce_Flores and Daswiftguy did. Also, what the fuck is Gomorrah?
     
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  17. mattvision09
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    Are these things meant to be that historically accurate? No, it's just a metaphor, or maybe I was talking about a different Nubia.

    STOP USING LOGIC, THIS IS THE WORD OF COBI! BLASPHEMY I SAY, BLASPHEMY!
     
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  18. smalltanuki
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    Hmm... Maybe.
    Totally worth it to see your reaction :p
     
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  19. jh10525
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    I call dibs on the next read of this book btw



    Gomorrah was one of the 2 cities that was destroyed by raining brimstone in the Old Testament. (Also, in this story: Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt, I GUESS SHE WAS SALTY! :woot:)
     
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